Nothing Tastes As Good As Thin Feels.

Nothing Feels As Refreshing As This!

I thought in the beginning that I may have problems but now that I have been reassured. 

I have lost 2 pounds since yesterday! I couldn't be more excited than I am now! I thought that this wasn't working since I initially lost 15 pounds at first but now I feel rejuvenated and it makes everything worthwhile. I can hardly eat anything, especially trying to eat some cantaloupe. Food doesn't bother me as much as I thought it would. The smell doesn't seem to reach my nose.

I am going to continue down this road until I weigh 200 pounds and then I an going to start the ABC diet, and believe it or not, I may not be able to do it. And the reason for this is because I am no longer eating like I used to. I rarely eat above 150 calories and the first day calls for 500 calories and I never want to see what that day is like again. It was a long journey to get here and I want to be brave and see where my journey takes me.

I exercise 30 minutes everyday at 2.5 mph on the treadmill. I'm wanting to build my body up to where I can start to exercise for 2 hours every day and up the speed on the treadmill. Yoga also helps. It starts to motivate your immune system to where when you work out, you can burn as many calories as you possibly can. I just have to keep in mind that I have to keep confusing my immune system!

I also bought a new scale today as well as a body measuring tape. The scale tells you how many pounds you lose, obviously, as well as how many ounces. I am needing every single ounce. I am wanting to keep track of everything. As well as measure and make sure I am going doing in every area. I want to see what areas of my body will go first. In my family there seems to be a trend of the legs going first, so I want to see if that happens to me. 

Quotes of the Day:

"It's never too late to be what you might have been."

- George Eliot

“I have been impressed with the urgency of doing. Knowing is not enough; we must 

apply. Being willing is not enough; we must do.”

- Leonardo da Vinci

As the Days Move On.

Close Our Eyes And Pray For Faster Days!

Since the beginning of when I started to become Pro-Ana, everyday seems like the very first day. Each day doesn't seem harder than the last; just hard in general.

"If it's worth it, fight for it!"

I need to lose weight more than I want anything. It's always been a dream of mine to be in size 7, even if it's for a week. Just so I know what it's like to be that size and to have that experience and then I can go back to my normal range. Although, I am supposed to be 118-125 pounds. I have 106 to 113 pounds to lose. This may be the most unhealthy way but I have literally tried every alternative. 

I've watched my sister, mother, aunt, cousin, and best friend try this method and it has worked for them. Why can't I try it for myself? Why can't I have my hand at being happy? My mother is always onto me about my weight and how I should stop eating like she did and now I have finally taken her advice. It's not like I haven't read up on this. I spent weeks reading about Ana before I decided on doing this, plus school helped me, whether not they knew it.

In high school, and college, they show videos of people with Anorexia and what it's like and their stories but what people don't understand is that, for an obese person to see that, it looks like a wonderful opportunity for them. It's a beautiful opening for me and the schools have given them all the information an obese person needs to be Pro-Ana. I would like to thank them now for helping me on this journey. They have been the biggest help! I wouldn't have known as much as I would have today without them. They gave me resources and years of knowledge to consider if this was for me or not, so thank you.

Anyways, I'll be honest, I was terrified of Ana at first but I just have to control her is all. I have to take her in strides before I get to where I want to be. I'm not doing this for my mother or a boy or anyone else, I'm doing this for myself and that's enough for me!

I fight everyday not to eat. Every time I think of eating I think of fat and how it is every where on my body. I think of how disgusted I am with myself and of how people must look at me. I want to be able to go shopping for once and buy whatever I like and not have to worry about if it is in the plus size section. I'm going to fight for this and every time I overcome wanting to eat, I am happy, believe it or not. I get to keep those calories and shed them! I rejoice in that and I won't ever let someone bring me down because of what they think or what there views are. 

I've Tried Everything and Now It's My Turn to Let the Table Turn.

Only the Beginning of Something New!

What started out to be so small in size became something that I became disgusted with. And that would be myself. I look in the mirror and I can see the person who I have become. I see bulges and it makes me so sick and I never want to leave the house anymore. People try to reassure me but I know what i see. See, I'm not skinny at all, so their tries were futile. I weigh 233 pounds and I can't seem to get over this plateau, no matter how much I have tried this year. I mean, fuck, I even had weight loss surgery almost two years ago! I lost 50 pounds and hit this shit and still nothing.

What am I supposed to do with myself? I'm 20, fucking, years old.  

My doctor prescribed my Topamax a few weeks ago for the migraines that I have been having. Load and behold, they curb hunger like no other so that helps me out a lot. I rarely eat anymore. A helping hint: To lose more weight than just quitting eating; that shit don't work. you have to confuse your immune system. Use blueberries, strawberries and green tea. That'll confuse the shit out of your immune system. That way you'll confuse your immune system and lose as much weight you want. I started this a couple weeks ago and I've already lost 15 pounds. 

I don't plan on always being this way and I hope to God that it doesn't stick but i'm sick and tired of being obese and people looking at me differently. I didn't have a normal childhood. i dreamed of being skinny and going shopping and people actually wanting to be my friend for me. Society didn't push me into this; I did that myself. I just want to be able to accept myself for once and do it my way. I want things to go my way and after 15 or so years of being obese, I would say that after all the dieting and lifestyle bullshit, that I deserve it. 

People are always talking about anorexia. I rarely see something about obesity as a disease that is caused my binge eating, caused by emotions, much like anorexia and the mental state. They're both connected in so many ways and people, I think, don't connect them in so many ways that they should be. They are both eating disorders, which can lead to death, one way or another and have complications.

Quotes of the Day:

"I'm Not There Yet, But I'm Closer Than I Was Yesterday!"

"If there's a place that I could be

Then I'd be another memory

Can I be the only hope for you?

Because you're the only hope for me

And if we can't find where we belong

We'll have to make it on our own

Face all the pain and take it on

Because the only hope for me is you alone."

- My Chemical Romance "The Only Hope For Me Is You."